If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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