Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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