It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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