i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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