MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were trust falling into bushes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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