Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i think my cat just said my name.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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