You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
