im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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