eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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