if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Randomize
