She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
