Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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