sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
