When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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