I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
