I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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