I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
