Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize