Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize