im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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