just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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