Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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