My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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