Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
