I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
