i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
