there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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