What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
