Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize