2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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