Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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