I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
