I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
