i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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