3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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