1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
