my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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