I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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