So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
