Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
