woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
