it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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