guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
