Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
