Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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