I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
