I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
