As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
