well I can't set my house on fire every night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
