i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
