i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I supernannyed him into submission
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
