he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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