god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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