sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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