smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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