sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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