I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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