I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
