I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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