that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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