You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
