Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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